Cross Junction Drug Kingpin Pleads Guilty to Candy-Covered Scam

Harrisonburg, VIRGINIA – In a stunning reversal of fortune for drug kingpin Christopher Michael Sweeney II, 20, the Virginia man was forced to face the music today after pleading guilty in federal court to conspiring to distribute misbranded drugs designed to look like candy.

United States Attorney Rick A. Mountcastle made the announcement, emphasizing the deadly nature of such deceitful practices: ‘This case underscores how extremely dangerous it is to take drugs, no matter how innocent they are made to appear, that are not clearly labeled.’

Sweeney, from Cross Junction, Va., admitted to buying and selling Smarties candies laced with flubromazolam—a toxic designer drug—and falsely marketing them as Xanax. According to Mountcastle, Sweeney’s actions caused ‘tragic harm’ to unsuspecting customers.

Supervisory Special Agent Josiah C. Schiavone of the Virginia State Police praised the collaborative efforts that led to Sweeney’s prosecution. ‘We are happy that through collaborative efforts, we were able to find a route to successful prosecution,’ he said.

Karl C. Colder, DEA Washington Field Division Special Agent in Charge, warned of the dangers associated with purchasing illicit drugs online: ‘Purchasers do not know the true contents of what they are purchasing to ingest, and thereby place their safety and lives in the hands of an unscrupulous manufacturer.’

Assistant United States Attorney Erin M. Kulpa presented evidence that revealed Sweeney’s involvement in purchasing flubromazolam through the ‘dark web’ and his subsequent distribution of the deadly candies without proper labeling or warnings. The prosecution would have proven that Sweeney sold the Smarties for $5-$8 per tablet, using digital currency transfers to pay his co-conspirators.

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